The wild popularity of the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy has fueled the curiosity of those who want to try some of the steamy sex scenes. You might be one of those individuals but aren’t sure what it is or how to get started.
For starters, BDSM refers to a combination of three phrases, “Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism”. It is not about pain and pleasure. It is more about sensation play and power dynamics. Someone has all the control and his or her partner has none. The key to successful and satisfying BDSM is to balance it so that each attains a great deal of pleasure from the experience in their respective roles.
Getting started does not require going out and buying a blindfold and riding crop. Those may be fun later, but to get started, here’s what you need to know.
- Know your desires. There are no wrong or right yearnings. Just be sure to keep fantasy and reality separate.
- Know what you will and won’t do. These are often referred to as hard and soft limits. Hard limits are what you are not okay with under any circumstances, soft limits are those actions that make you nervous, and then there is everything else.
- Discuss boundaries with your partner. He or she needs to know those limits and you need to know theirs. BDSM is first and foremost about trust. Always stay within the limits.
- Communicate. BDSM is not a mind-reading sport. Talk about the scene ahead of time. Be open to your partner’s desires and limits and do not be afraid to speak yours. Set the safe words as well – one for “slow down” and one for “full stop”.
- Try one thing at a time, take it slow. Once you and your partner decide what you are going to do, stay within the scene. If something strikes you as desirable, save it for the next experience. Refer to number three above.
- Check in later. Once the experience is complete, check in with your partner. It may be okay right afterwards or a few hours later but be sure to make contact no later than the next day. Discuss what worked, what didn’t, and what you might want to try next time.
Exploring BDSM is a long-term journey. The more you know, the more comfortable you are along the way. You can read books, attend conferences or watch it in action. Things often look more intense than they feel. Investigation can yield pleasurable results for everyone.